Solace of Submission

Welcome to sub Missions

The purpose of Sub Missions is to support, facilitate, and promote the healthy growth of uncollared submissives within Second Life, in order to maximize their potential, self-esteem and empower them to prepare for life with a Dominant once they desire to do so, while encouraging the development of healthy, strong values and respect for others within the D/s community.

On Friday, October 28, 2011 0 comments

For some time I observed relationships online and in world both from an outsider perspective [listening to others talk about their experiences] and from an insider perspective [dating, collared, partnered, handfasted].  The one common element appears to be "speed", the rapidity with which people become attached, and then become deeply involved.
That "online" time is vastly accelerated is generally accpeted.  This means that you start talking to someone, and it rapidly progresses to intimate conversations, dating and maybe even cybersex.  Of course once you have had some level of intimacy, whether conversation or cyber, then you find yourself with the rush of an emotional investment.  It is heady stuff, this rush.  Your 2nd Life seems more attractive, the person that you are with seems more attractive, you feel more vital and everything is just right and wonderful.
Then you start craving that rush, that affirmation again.  Talking and sexing isn't quite enough so control comes into the play -- you start scening.  Immediately the emotional intensity increases and you feel the thrill of the rush again and all is well with you and yours. The next step is to formalize the control and Power Exchange -- just taking and giving it is no longer enough to give you the thrill.  So you go through submission and collaring and you feel the rush again.
What are the next steps?  Somewhere in here you start moving into a full LDR to tighten the bond and keep the rush happening.  You email, IM, text, SKYPE and call.  You join other worlds and/or forums and proclaim that you are together.  More and more is needed to feel the rush --  Long gushy picks on the profiles.  Partnering and/or marrying, ceremonies taking vows and making promises to love and cherish and be together.  All the time, feeding the need for the emotional rush, the addiction that used to be called "being in love with love".
And then suddenly?  There is no more "rush".  There is just dealing with the relationship, with choices, with conflicting priorities, with being left to your own devices -- it is depressingly like the kind of issues you face in what we laughingly call "RL".  Is it enough?  Do you really want to do this?  And then you have a choice -- stay the course or seek for the rush again. Cue the drama! 
Is there anything wrong with being in relationships because you crave the rush?  Absolutely not.  Like any other kink, if that is your thing, have at it. 
Is this true of every realtionship?  Absolutely not.  But look around you, at the people flickering in and out of collars and partnerships -- it is true of a lot of them.
Just be aware of the level of emotional investment you make and to whom -- you don't want to fall in love with someone who is with you to feed their need for the rush.  Unfortunately there is no auto-return on hearts in SL, so beware.

On Sunday, October 23, 2011 1 comments

At this week's sub mission meeting, I introduced the concept of the submissive/slave resume. I stumbled across the topic while doing some research and thought it was an exercise that could have a positive effect.

At the end of this post, I will post some links to other submissive/slave blogs that have either done a resume or discussed one, so that you can look at it yourself.

So here are my thoughts on the submissive/slave resume.

When a submissive/slave is released or perhaps has never entered into a D/s, M/s relationship, it can be hard to focus in our own wants and desires. However having a focus, a goal and structure may assist the individual to list some positive traits and attributes, that may spark the attention and imagination of a Dominant.

So often I got the question "How can/will you serve me?" from Dominants that I speak to as an uncollared submissive. Quite often I stumbled to give an answer, not exactly sure what I do have to offer. When I was collared I knew what He wanted. It was clear, or given to me, through time, conversations and protocol.

Now I would not suggest that you write up a submissive/slave resume copy it onto a notecard and hand it out to every Dominant you meet. Rather use it as a confidence boosting exercise to help you get to know yourself, what you want, and what you have to offer. Perhaps once you get to know a Dominant you can mention the exercise and they are bound to ask to read it then it can be used to spark more conversation.

As I think it is important that it be a positive view of you. Try to avoid listing limits, you can do that in another format, allow your resume to highlight your strengths. So often, we are focused on the negative and not the positive of ourselves. Love You. Celebrate yourself, your interests, your skills.

The following are the links I promised. Please read them if you are interested in the submissive/slave resume, they are so full of inspiration, ideas and creativity. <-- nice introduction (with a link to a video on the subject as well)  <--great examples & inspiration <--- very personal submissive resume <-- great possible breakdown of what you might want to include

On Friday, July 29, 2011 0 comments

For those of you that are still following us here at the sub Missions blog, I wanted to give you quick update. The discussion group is still going strong, though I (teara) was away on vacation the last few weeks. You will find summertime to be a time that Second Life is a little quieter, the warmer weather (at least in North America) draws people away from their computers and into something they call "real life".

On Tuesday evening we will meet again and share stories, heal together and support each other.

Each journey is unique. I have found that as time passes I grow more fond of the good times I spent with my former Master. I feel so grateful that He was able to guide me, teach me, and allow me to grow. As an uncollared submissive/slave there are times I feel that without service my worth is less. That is so far from the truth. I am so grateful to have this group of amazing submissives/slaves to share with, cry with and most of all heal with.

See all of you (if you are submissive/slave on Tuesday) ... I missed you!

On Wednesday, May 25, 2011 2 comments

This weekend I got told off by a Domme who perceives that I am not serious about TTWD. She was rude and made me extremely angry -- but she also forced me to ask myself if I am actually here, here in FetLife, here in the lifestyle.

In the course of this year, what have I done?
  • In FetLife: lurked and read mostly, posting now and then. Friended a few people, was de-friended by one or two
  • In SL: spent a great deal of time in discussions and presentations
  • Online: read and researched
  • In real life: explored the dimensions of an LDR. Went to MsC2010. Made it to one "mini-Munch" when invited and met a couple of people. Met one Dom in the fall to explore "consideration"; met another just last week.
In the course of this year, what haven't I done?
  • attended a munch or any other FetLife or BDSM activity in RL. Lots of reasons -- scheduling, health issues, a daughter's wedding, work, just plain feeling shy about crashing into a clique. FWIIW, I haven't gone to any other networking activities either for the same reasons.
  • attended a play party -- not interested in public play when you come right down to it. I really don't want to go to the Crucible or any of the other places.
What have I learned?
  • *That I keep getting told I know more than I think I know, but I feel really ignorant and lost.
  • *That my son is in a leather family -- and that while he knew we accepted his partner, he didn't know how to explain their relationship before.
  • *That there are pansexuals -- you may find it hard to believe, but that was new to me!
  • *That I am indeed a submissive. This was a bit of a revelation to me because I have always been a pretty independent thinker.
  • *That my deceased husband was my Dom/Master for 20 years and I served him with all my heart -- and that I am still grieving for his loss
  • *That it is the D/s relationship that fascinates me. The kink is something that I find evocative and want to explore -- but it is the power exchange, the service, the bond that floats my boat.
  • *That the LDR worked for a time, but I need more than just a part of someone's life.
  • *That the number of choices available is bewildering. Psychologists are saying that too much choice doesn’t free us, it makes it too difficult to make a choice at all.
I have also learned that I am not as trusting and as open as I thought I was -- and I move more slowly than I used to emotionally as well as physcially. I know that I have it in me to love deeply and give completely, and this love/serving will be the one that sees me to the end of my life. And I remember Frank [who was an old-time cop and crime lab detective] telling me a story about one of the cases he worked on -- a woman who drove 200 miles to be tied up, used sexually, abused, who then ended up dead in a motel room. Now, years later, I realize that he was warning me.

Is all of this enough to "prove" I am serious about TTWD? Do I have to "prove" myself in some way in order to "belong"?
The answer to both questions is NO.

OTOH: I am not a member of the community until I am seen out and participating in community functions -- and that I think is what the Domme was telling me.

OTOH: no one can determine my path or my progress but me, and someday, my Dom/Master.

Thank you, Domme, for the wake-up call. It forced me to reflect.


"We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing,
while others judge us by what we have already done."

--- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

On Monday, May 9, 2011 2 comments

What a great meeting we had last week! Our topic was "Self Esteem", something many of us struggle with. Below is a synopsis of what we discussed, and then....a dare, for any submissives who are struggling with a low self-esteem.

Simply put, self esteem is your opinion of yourself. Your self-esteem affects how you think, act and even how you relate to other people. It allows you to live life to your potential. Self-esteem is something that's learned, not inherited.

Low self-esteem is a negative opinion of oneself. Low self esteem means poor confidence and causes negative thoughts which makes you likely to give up easily rather than face challenges. It has a direct bearing on your happiness and well being.

Your self esteem depends on many questions: Do others respect what you do? Do you respect yourself? Do you believe you are successful? How do you see yourself (your self image)? How do you feel about your strengths and weaknesses? Are you comparing yourself to others and ignoring the unique value that you have? What do you think of your social status? How do you relate to others? Can you make your own decisions? A lack of choices leads to low self esteem.

Positive self-esteem means thinking as highly of yourself as you think of others. It's such a shame that we are usually more aware of our weaknesses than our strengths. A positive self-esteem makes it possible to face life problems and bounce back from them.

So, how do we raise our self-esteem. How do we work on what might be a lifelong problem?

Identify triggers to low self-esteem - What sets us off? Is it criticism, stressful situations, or misfortunes? We often personalize these things and turn it into a negative meaning about ourselves. That's often followed by a self-defeating though or action. Instead, let each "event" be a chance to learn about ourselves, if we face our fear of doing so and the negative beliefs about ourselves that sustain the negative meanings.

Stop personalizing. This will help to stop the impulsive responses. Try using relaxation and stress management techniques to help with the automatic overreactions. This allows us to interrupt the otherwise inevitable automatic reaction and put into play a way to begin to face the unacknowledged fears at the root of low self-esteem.

Stop and take notice our reactions to different stresses and situations. We often overreact in the same way to the same things. Noticing and being aware of the similarity can help slow our negative reactions.

Acknowledge the reaction. Verbalize, "Here I go again!" The result is to slow the impulse and give ourselves a choice about how we want to respond, instead of automatically responding in our usual way.

So, let's try something different! Instead of dwelling on the negatives, celebrate your strengths and achievements. Forgive yourself for your mistakes. Don't dwell on your weaknesses; every human has them. Change the way you talk to yourself--stop putting yourself down! Be sure that you are not judging yourself against unreasonable standards.

And now, the dare! One of our members came up with this idea and we thought it was great. So here it is...

We dare you for the next 6 weeks to do two things.

1) Write down 5 good thing that happened to you today.
2) Look in the mirror and write down five good things about yourself.
Do this dailey. Make yourself write them down so you can look back on them when you do have a bad day.

We've been calling this, "retraining your brain"; looking at and celebrating the positives in our life instead of dwelling on the negatives. Believe it or not, it works! Just as low self-esteem is something learned because we've conditioned ourselves to see our shortcomings instead of our strengths, postive self-esteem can also be learned. What better time to start than now??

If you'd like....add your list to the comment section. Let us help you embrace the good and postive things about yourself and your life. As submissives, we get our pleasure from serving others. It's our nature to reach out and help with a kind word or deed. Perhaps we can do this for each other by reaching out and acknowledging each others strengths. Hearing it from others just might be that added affirmation needed to keep us on the right track!

On Wednesday, May 4, 2011 4 comments

I want to thank everyone that came out to the group discussion last night. We covered a lot of topics and really had a good time discussing issues with each other.

One topic that came up that I believe is such an important concept within the lifestyle was self control. Quite often as submissives we get so involved in the process, lost in our submission that we become too excited and eager. I have been guilty of this more than once.

When a submissive is uncollared we refer to this state sub-frenzy.  I found an excellent article on sub-frenzy that explains sub-frenzy so well. Here a couple quotes from the article but I encourage you to read it in its entirety.

Submissive Frenzies are a state or condition that many if not all submissives will experience at one time or another. Many aspects of BDSM are similar to addictions in how they play out in the mind. From that perspective the Frenzies can be considered to be the 'withdrawal' stage.

This is an increasing and progressive sensation of 'need'. Fairly quickly the submissive may discover that 'getting their fix', becomes supremely important in their lives. It can leave them irrational, willing to make poor decisions, rash, impulsive and generally stupid. A submissive in a frenzied state is at their most vulnerable to succumbing to the ploys of those less than admirable. They may become easily enthralled, believe themselves 'in love', willing to give over anything (almost literally) in order to fill that enormous void in their life.

So as beautiful, strong submissives what can we do to control ourselves during these feelings of frenzy? At the discussion there was a lot of great suggestions.

Exercise is a great way to burn off some of that excess energy and clear our minds. Yoga, walking, running, tai chi whatever you enjoy and can really get into. Not only is is great to calm us, we are empowering ourselves by taking care of our well being both physically and emotionally.

Masturbation is another way to release some of that excess sexual energy that occurs during submissive acts. As submissives we are quite often much more in tune to our sexuality causing an overflow of sexual energy. In order to control this and not become frenzied, masturbation can release some of that energy and help us become even more in touch with ourselves.

Attending discussions and classes and surrounding ourselves with other submissives. As discussed in the article mentioned above, quite often a submissive's need for knowledge, to do more, to learn more, experience everything can get them into trouble. By educating ourselves, we empower ourselves and strengthen our submission. By going to submissive only discussions, and heanging otu with like minded submissives we can release some of that pent up energy through talking.  I have attended some pretty lively discussions where submissives truly are letting off excess energy.

Lastly, I think it is important to mention stepping back. Take a breather, do something that is not related to the lifestyle, knit, draw, take some pictures, explore. When in Second Life, if you begin to feel frenzied, IM a friend, someone in our group, shop (though careful not to over spend!) explore or even log out.  Our emotional well being is strongly linked to our submission. When uncollared it is especially important to take care of ourselves and be mindful of our feelings and emotions. Self control is something everyone can work on, and I believe is an ongoing goal.

Please feel free to add in comments any additional tools we as submissives can use to control our excess energy, in order to be the strong, beautiful submissives that we all are.

On Wednesday, April 27, 2011 0 comments

We had a fantastic turn out to the meeting last night. The discussion was fantastic and I hope empowering for everyone. I will add more later, however this morning I am posting so I can let go.

Every morning for the last several months, I sent an email to my former Master. It was rarely anything long or earth shattering. It was a way for both of U/us to start the day feeling Dominant and submissive. Since my release 6 weeks ago, I still continued to email him every morning. It was hard to let go. However it is time.

So this morning I am writing to you. Empowering myself in one small step to let go. In the process I will heal and prepare myself to serve again.

That is what we have hoped for this discussion group. We wanted it to be a place where uncollared and collared submissives could safely come share and be given tools that perhaps they could use to empower themselves.

Thank you for allowing me to feel that empowerment and beauty last night, it is spilling over to this morning as I struggle not to send that email.

We are submissive, it is in our very nature that we are strong and beautiful.

I will attempt to post a true meeting summary later today :)