This weekend I got told off by a Domme who perceives that I am not serious about TTWD. She was rude and made me extremely angry -- but she also forced me to ask myself if I am actually here, here in FetLife, here in the lifestyle.
In the course of this year, what have I done?
- In FetLife: lurked and read mostly, posting now and then. Friended a few people, was de-friended by one or two
- In SL: spent a great deal of time in discussions and presentations
- Online: read and researched
- In real life: explored the dimensions of an LDR. Went to MsC2010. Made it to one "mini-Munch" when invited and met a couple of people. Met one Dom in the fall to explore "consideration"; met another just last week.
In the course of this year, what haven't I done?
- attended a munch or any other FetLife or BDSM activity in RL. Lots of reasons -- scheduling, health issues, a daughter's wedding, work, just plain feeling shy about crashing into a clique. FWIIW, I haven't gone to any other networking activities either for the same reasons.
- attended a play party -- not interested in public play when you come right down to it. I really don't want to go to the Crucible or any of the other places.
What have I learned?
- *That I keep getting told I know more than I think I know, but I feel really ignorant and lost.
- *That my son is in a leather family -- and that while he knew we accepted his partner, he didn't know how to explain their relationship before.
- *That there are pansexuals -- you may find it hard to believe, but that was new to me!
- *That I am indeed a submissive. This was a bit of a revelation to me because I have always been a pretty independent thinker.
- *That my deceased husband was my Dom/Master for 20 years and I served him with all my heart -- and that I am still grieving for his loss
- *That it is the D/s relationship that fascinates me. The kink is something that I find evocative and want to explore -- but it is the power exchange, the service, the bond that floats my boat.
- *That the LDR worked for a time, but I need more than just a part of someone's life.
- *That the number of choices available is bewildering. Psychologists are saying that too much choice doesn’t free us, it makes it too difficult to make a choice at all.
I have also learned that I am not as trusting and as open as I thought I was -- and I move more slowly than I used to emotionally as well as physcially. I know that I have it in me to love deeply and give completely, and this love/serving will be the one that sees me to the end of my life. And I remember Frank [who was an old-time cop and crime lab detective] telling me a story about one of the cases he worked on -- a woman who drove 200 miles to be tied up, used sexually, abused, who then ended up dead in a motel room. Now, years later, I realize that he was warning me.
Is all of this enough to "prove" I am serious about TTWD? Do I have to "prove" myself in some way in order to "belong"?
The answer to both questions is NO.
OTOH: I am not a member of the community until I am seen out and participating in community functions -- and that I think is what the Domme was telling me.
OTOH: no one can determine my path or my progress but me, and someday, my Dom/Master.
Thank you, Domme, for the wake-up call. It forced me to reflect.
kala
"We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing,
while others judge us by what we have already done."
--- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
2 comments:
I think it is amazing the insight that you have into your personal journey. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts here :)
Kala: I discovered you through your comment on my blog. First, I want to say I am sorry about you losing your husband. It is not surprising that you are probably still grieving. And it is very true that only you -- and your future dom -- can determine your path and your progress. In this lifestyle, the only thing that counts is what is right for you. There is no one size fits all. And good luck on your journey and I hope you keep sharing.
FD